For the first time, Nathaniel Hall had sex, he contracted Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV). He was 16 years old and was recently named gay.
Fear, embarrassment and self-hatred kept his diagnosis hidden from his family for the next 14 years.
She went to "out of the closet" last year and wrote a play about her experiences in the second period of her life what is growing as gay seropositive.
Nathaniel, 32, from Manchester, expects this solo show to conduct a dialogue on HIV representations in popular culture.
Tell me how you should know that I had it virus Even when I was a child.
"Summer mom" with an old man
I knew it was young, between 13 and 14 years old.
Since 2003, it was a very different time. There is no such thing to say, it could be a school. Everything was secret … It was very difficult to know someone else.
And then, this man came to my life. At age 16, he was older than me, twenty years.
Suddenly, the older guy paid much attention to me It was considered an accepted validationIt was very injective. So we saw each other.
This relationship did not last long, really just a couple of months.
It all happened in the summer, in the transition between higher education and the university, a summer romance, in other words. Then we separate paths.
When I was diagnosed with HIV and told me I received messages from my friends because they were older than me I was just a little boy, I was done and things were wrong.
I really wanted to must do the test and received the necessary treatment, because it did not transmit to another person, since most of the infections had come Patients with no known viruses.
but I never knew. He told me that he had studied and that his health was good … at the age of 16 you do not have the ability to deal with it.
"If you hit a bus as if"
At the age of 17, I received a diagnosis.
I remember the staff at the clinic was very nice and I do not remember much more, as well as receiving news.
Then I remember going home and feeling like I needed to make a decision.
And I made it quick, it was a decision: I went into my room and closed the door I do not know what was happening to me.
It felt like a bus caught me, I feel the physical sensation of being throw away enough strength
I remember crying What did they say to me? Very different from what they say today in the same situation.
Certainly, during the AIDS epidemic, medicines were not available and they were good and good.
But they told me that the prognosis was around of 37 years old. So, really, it was very difficult to digest.
At my university I received psychological counseling, I admitted it and I thought everything was fine until last year I had a small crisis.
"I think it's a pity for me"
I think it's a good thing. It is true that only one disease approved by a moral judgment and, to a certain extent, we continue to serve our judgment.
I was human and grew up in a heterosexual world. You know you are morally wrong or what you are doing dirty and that is why you should be ashamed. And I was very aware.
Then you hear such notes "Do it das penalty".
As if it were as if, at that moment, these prophecies were true and made me feel awful.
In that sense I put myself into a feeling of embarrassment.
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I remember when I was in school, the only example of gay relationship in sexual education was a video, a gay man was dying AIDS.
The lesson was so obsolete, so I felt that the messages that I received in second or second grade were bad and bad guys, I did not come from my family, though they came everywhere.
It was time-consuming and then suddenly I became a stereotype.
So I think I really shy control.
"I did not know"
I think it was a great moment when I had a party when I did not sleep for two days.
At that moment I realized drugs and alcohol … that they did not necessarily take my life, but I did not do any good.
There was no heavy addiction or something, though I was self-medicating with alcohol.
I tried it To eliminate anxiety and stress bAja intensityit was accumulated over the years.
I noticed that I did not do something, it could be a serious and real problem.
There was something to change.
I needed to say my family. I tried a lot, many times before, but it never happened and never told.
So I started playing a game. I began to write things meaning.
then I decided to write a letter to my parents and my brother.
One evening he took me to write everything I wanted to tell. I told myself that it was not necessarily sent, I just had to write, and then I saw how I felt.
But after that, I felt pretty relaxed. So I just put the envelopes immediately and I sent them before I could change my mind.
I did that, I often said and I never tried.
And I also thought that he continued four times strong emotional influence.
Actually, the answer was not surprising.
It was a little, how many gays do you feel before leaving the closet. I wondered what would happen, but they sent me all the messages and they called me they were absolutely bare.
I never felt I had a secret for a long time.
Mother came the next day and we talked.
Because I was the main concern because I did not tell them and because I had missed an important task.
My mother said: "I stopped My son was fighting for so long".
It was scary. It was not there Many internalized homophobes feel like gay men and then a shame, a layer that frightens, and all that is powerful.
Although a really loving family, it's hard to tell.
"I climbed every morning with a knot du heart "
Not that, suddenly everything was fixed. But writing and working on the project is a difficult and difficult place.
but I was able to cope with much lighter and much more issues and anxieties it was stacked up.
Every morning I woke up in my heart a knot on my chest.
I thought this did not affect me, but after telling my family, I freed myself and thought: "My God, this almost anxiety lived".
Every morning, I felt the first thing that was frightening in my chest, something that made me angry, and I still feel it when I talk about it.
Since I started this trip, I overcame the crisis and made some bad decisions making peaceI have not been the perfect person I have had.
And that was very liberating.